Is it selfish to claim your power?

Posted on May 15, 2012 by CarolO

I ended my last post with my reason for staying connected to my essential power—so that I could live a creative, generative joyful life that delights me. As I wrote that intention statement, much to my surprise, my old programmed ‘selfish’ sensors sounded an alarm.

Is it selfish to want an expansive life?  As a child, I made the decision that being selfish was a very bad thing.  What took me a long time to understand was that there’s a big difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself.

Perhaps Rabbi Hillel said it best: “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I?”  And of course the Bible instructs us to ‘love your neighbor as yourself,’ implying that we must love ourselves first.  Self-love and good self-care go hand in hand.

When I started taking better care of myself, being willing to state and create what I wanted, I became more supportive of others’ wins and successes.  In my ‘it’s-bad-to-be-selfish-so-I-won’t take-care-of-myself’ days, when someone shared something positive that happened to them, externally I’d be supportive.  Inside I was whining and wondering why good stuff didn’t happen to me.

I found it interesting when a friend of a friend feigned support when Crown published my book, Gifts From Our Grandmothers, in 2000.  To my face Trish said how happy she was for me.  My friend later told me that Trish said to her ‘That should have been me.’  Trish put everyone’s needs before her own and clearly felt disempowered by that decision.

The ‘is selfish to embrace my personal power’ question is one of the hurdles to essential power. We simply need to jump the hurdle and see what’s on the other side.

What have you learned about the difference between selfishness and good self-care?

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Why is personal power Essential Power?

Posted on May 9, 2012 by CarolO

I began thinking of personal power as Essential Power™ as I noticed how my life began to change when I claimed my personal power.  A Dictionary.com definition of essential is “absolutely necessary; indispensable.”

My exploration of personal power led me to identify 7 elements necessary to claim our Essential Power:

  1. Awareness–awareness that things can be different and better.  Awareness of how we contribute to our own powerlessness.
  2. Decision–a decision as simple and general as ‘to live differently’ can do the trick!
  3. Focus–focus energy and awareness in the direction of your decision rather than toward what you don’t want in your life.
  4. Questions–formulate powerful questions to help expand your new awareness, such as:  What do I really want? What are my strengths?  What gives me joy?
  5. Story–tell a new story based on what you want, what you love, what’s working in your life and who you’re becoming.
  6. Forgiveness–forgiving ourselves for perceptions of others that created our unhappiness.
  7. Appreciation–what we appreciate, appreciates.   We’ve heard it before but it’s definitely worth repeating!

When I focus on these elements, I stay connected to my power.  For me the goal of staying connected to my power is to live a creative, generative, joyful life that delights me.

What benefits do you receive when you live from your Essential Power?

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What is Personal Power?

Posted on May 3, 2012 by CarolO

In my early 20’s a facilitator in a women’s group asked me about my relationship with power.  At the time, I thought of power as something wielded by one or more persons over others, most often used for bad rather than good ends.   I didn’t want any part of that.

By putting power outside of myself and not wanting any part of it, I often found myself feeling like a victim to my life circumstances.  If I wanted to stop being a victim, I needed to claim my personal power.

I realized that ‘power over’ is just one dimension of power.  The most essential power is personal power. But what is that and how do you get it?

A Dictionary.com definition of power is “the ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.”  Aligning with that definition of being an actor rather than a reactor helped me claim my personal power.  It’s an ongoing process which I will continue to explore in this blog.

How do you define personal power?

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Expansion Without Strain?

Posted on April 26, 2012 by CarolO

On a recent beach walk, I felt totally content. Rather than my mind ricocheting from things I had to do, to goals I wanted to accomplish, to what to make for dinner, my mind remained still. I watched pelicans swoop low over the water, spot a fish and dive head first to catch their meal.

I also felt extremely grateful. The ability to just spend time with my mom, who we moved across the country to be near, has been wonderful.

When mom invited us over for a dinner of beef stew with homemade dumplings, she shared that this was her favorite meal. I never knew that. She also reminisced about her mother making that stew.  I love hearing family stories.

My ability to be available when mom needs help also provides a reason to be grateful.  Rather than stressing from afar about her cataract surgery and dental emergency, I’m here to assist her.

When I reflect on that beach walk induced feeling of total contentment and gratitude, I also think about my love of expansion and growth. As the title of the business book Grow or Die reflects, growth is critical.

“Would feeling content stop me from growing and expanding?” I wondered.  I examined the underlying assumption of that thought—that expansion comes only with struggle, strain and discontent.  Is that true?

Questions emerged that I continue to ponder without definitive conclusions:

  • What fuels expansion?
  • Can I feel content and grateful and still grow and expand?
  • What’s important for me to understand about the relationship between contentment and growth?
  • What is the role of intention in the growth process?

What has your life experience taught you about these questions?

 

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Following the Rules

Posted on April 19, 2012 by CarolO

As a 12-year veteran of the Catholic school system, I learned to follow rules. Although well beyond my school days, I sometimes find myself tempted to follow certain rules, even if they don’t make sense to me.

Sunday I came face to face with such a rule. While dressing for church, I realized I didn’t have a pair of black sandals to wear with my black and white dress. I did have a pair of white sandals. ‘But it’s well before Memorial Day,’ I thought, ‘and white shoes are not to be worn before Memorial Day.’

I briefly contemplated changing outfits so I could wear more ‘appropriate’ shoes. ‘Who made this rule,’ I wondered. ‘What will happen if I break it?’ Visions of arrest by the fashion police and eye rolls by fellow congregants as they spotted my offending sandals crossed my mind.

I put on the white sandals. The rule didn’t make sense to me, the day warranted sandals and the white sandals worked. My defiance created no ill consequences and I enjoyed it so much that I wore the white sandals again to a class on Tuesday!

The ‘no white shoes pre Memorial Day’ rule provided a simple reminder that my best strategy is to filter all rules through my own wisdom and then decide what’s right for me.

What have you learned about questioning ‘the rules?’

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What Price Peace of Mind

Posted on April 12, 2012 by CarolO

I observed myself selling my peace of mind for fifty cents recently.  When I returned from a trip, I attempted to use the pay phone at the airport to call my husband.  I didn’t want to make my huge cell phone overage any worse.

The pay phone not only ate my fifty cents but gave no indication as to the price of a dial tone. I started getting my knickers in a twist. “It should be clearer how to make this phone work. I’m going to call this company and get my fifty cents back…”Amazingly in no time at all, my mind had begun to spin like a top.

“Is your peace of mind worth more than fifty cents?” I asked myself. There was a part of me that started surfacing a ‘but…’ I asked again, “Is your peace of mind worth more than fifty cents?”

In that moment, I chose peace of mind. I called my husband on my cell, grateful that I had a cell and grateful that I had the money to pay a larger phone bill that month.

Perhaps this instance stood out for me because for so much of my life I was willing to give up my power to any external condition not to my liking. Peace of mind is a high priority because I know I can’t give what I don’t have.

If I want peace in the world, I have to do what the song we sing each Sunday instructs “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”

Each day the external world provides abundant excuses to ditch my peace of mind.  If I choose peace over an external annoyance more quickly than I did the time before, I consider that a win.

How do you maintain your peace of mind?

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A Question of Clarity

Posted on April 4, 2012 by CarolO

After deciding to get a smart phone, I inquired about iPhones at the Costco cell phone kiosk. Many of my friends have iPhones and I thought that’s what I’d get.  “We don’t have iPhones,” the rep said.   “What do you want the phone to do?”  he asked.

I told him the features I liked about my friend’s iPhone. “A lot of smart phones can do those things,” he said. He showed me several phones and got me set up with a phone I like and a learning curve that I can live with.

His question helped me get clear and allowed me to take action. Later in the week, while observing myself in the midst of old behavior, I realized I needed to ask myself a good, clarifying question.

For several nights, I watched myself drawn zombie-like toward anything sweet. I found a half a bag of peanut M&Ms in the freezer—gone. The semi-sweet chips I was going to use for baking—history. In a moment of sanity I thought “This behavior is not compatible with my weight loss goal.’ The fact that I wasn’t even enjoying the chocolate was a sure sign that something was awry.

I asked myself a clarifying question: “What is the sweetness that I’m craving?” Immediately the answer arose—I’m craving the sweetness of life.  My 63-year-old cousin Chris had just gone into hospice. My heart broke for her. MS had robbed her of a high quality of life for the past 10 years and now that life was ending.

The answer to my question put an end to my scavenging for chocolate. I focused on some truths that I know. Although it doesn’t appear ‘fair’ that Chris is dying so young and has suffered so much, I remind myself that I have no idea about her soul’s path.

“Wouldn’t it be better if I thought about her journey in a loving, uplifting way and sent her those vibes?” I mused.  I changed from feeling sadness and worry about her situation to surrounding her with thoughts of love and peace.

As a coach, I know the power of good questions. Although I naturally ask forward-focused questions of others, it takes diligence to remember that the quickest way to gain personal clarity is to ask myself a powerful question.

What have you learned about asking yourself good questions?

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Showing Up Without Judgment

Posted on March 28, 2012 by CarolO

I decided that I’d spend the weekend between two teaching gigs with my friend Jay and his wife Kate.

Although I looked forward to time with Jay, I didn’t look forward to time with Kate.  I consider myself an ‘if it’s broke, fix it’ gal. In my humble judgment, Kate is an ‘if it’s broke, blame someone else rather than take personal responsibility’ gal.

When I realized that I’d be one-on-one with Kate for a whole day while Jay was at work, I got a little nervous. “Maybe I should stay at the hotel another night and arrive at their house closer to the time Jay gets home from work,” I thought.

I realized that to spend another night at the hotel was a silly workaround. I asked myself a question: “Who do I want to be in this situation?”   “I want to be a beneficial presence,” I thought, although I wasn’t sure exactly what that looked like.

On my day alone with Kate, I spent most of my time in their home office catching up on work. Every so often Kate entered the room and talked to me.  She didn’t discuss what I’d consider significant issues, just her everyday concerns.

When she’d leave the room, I’d go return to work. A little while later, she’d drift back into the room and talk. Each time, I put my work aside and listened. This happened 3-4 times during the day.

Something interesting happened in this process. Compassion replaced my prior judgment. “She just wants to be heard,” I thought. “No one seems to listen to her.”

This reaffirmed what I know but often don’t practice. The biggest gift we give anyone is not our advice or perspective, it is our willingness to be present and listen. Relief from the burden of my judgments was the added bonus I received from simply being willing to listen to Kate.

What have you learned about the gift of your presence?

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Perspective and Outcomes

Posted on March 21, 2012 by CarolO

Recently I grabbed a wad of receipts from my purse.  My mission— to organize the receipts and enter them into Quicken.

One receipt’s print was particularly light and difficult to read. ‘You might want to think about changing your print cartridge’ I mentally admonished the offending store. Unable to decipher the needed information on the receipt, I pulled out a magnifying glass.

As I examined the magnified image, I noticed the store name seemed to be spelled backward. I turned the receipt over and there in clear, black ink was the information required for Quicken.

How many times, I wondered, do I strain to make sense of a situation when a simple shift in perspective would bring that situation into clear focus?

What have you learned about the link between perspective and desired outcomes?

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Choosing self-kindness

Posted on February 21, 2012 by CarolO

A few years ago I learned that electronics, like TVs, use electricity while turned off in order to power on more quickly. Once I realized that source of wasted electricity, I bought power strips and I turn the strips off when appliances aren’t in use.

The other night I forgot to turn off the TV power strip before bed. I discovered this the next morning when I put an exercise video into the DVD player and the player’s display was on. I had a moment when I found myself going down the road of self-criticism, despite my new year’s commitment not to do that!

The good news is, I heard the voice in my head start yammering about how wasteful that was, and how could I have forgotten etc. When I heard the voice, I stopped and thought “I could criticize myself or I could use this slip up as a reminder to turn off the power strip next time.”

Unfortunately, that self-critical voice was well-practiced for many years. I’m always grateful for those moments of awareness when I realize that critical voice is softer and less frequent yet still requires a certain amount of diligent monitoring.

Author and speaker Karen Ruth White addresses this penchant of women to criticize themselves. She sells a toy self-flagellation device (photo below) at her talks as a reminder not to be unkind to ourselves.

I leave that toy in my office as an amusing reminder that beating myself up over anything is a waste of time. All I need to do is learn the lesson in any situation and move on.

How do you remember to be kind to yourself when you’ve fallen short of your expectations?

 

Don't use this at home (or anywhere for that matter!)

 

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